Haunted
by Tabi
Summary: Carrot spends some time musing on his beautiful younger brother; dark as they seem, somehow he's not disturbed...


~Haunted~

Somewhere in my mind, in my dreams, he waits for me. I think he waits for me. He's waiting, at least. In the misty secluded ruin that lies in thoughts and crumbles in dreams... where did such a place come from? I don't know. But it's _there, in my mind, and there, in that large, dusty, foreboding building, is where he waits._

From the opposite end of a long hall he'd wait for me. Looking into his eyes would show so many emotions... pain? Worry? Sorrow? Need? Desire? Ah, so many emotions unreadable. Such is the power of my little brother.

He'd walk as if in a dream - and truly he'd be in a dream - my dream - as he did so. Reaching out to slowly touch things, run his hands over ornaments, feeling the dust on his fingers, shaking that dust away, not allowing it to sully his delicate fingers for a moment too long...

Marron walks through my dreams and my thoughts. Also he walks in front of me every day... every single day, I see him... every day... and in my dreams, it's so different... but I can't help such a difference. I watch him every day. I watch him when I know he's not looking, I watch him with such hunger... I don't think he notices. The others don't notice. Gateau flirts shamelessly with Marron, Tira and Chocolat attempt to tame me... however, they can't tame the thoughts that run endlessly through my mind.

From a doorway I'd watch him. He'd just be in the room... standing there, sitting there, whatever, I don't mind. I'd still watch him. Eyes halflidded, heartbeat pounding, and he doesn't even realise that I'm watching him. I see him, and I want him, I want him so much. I want him, I want his body, I want... I want _all of him... and so I watch him with such intense hunger... and it almost amuses me that he doesn't realise this._

He doesn't see me. He doesn't see me watch him. Just a few inches between each part of wood that forms the door, but it's enough. I watch him and such terrible thoughts run through my mind, thoughts that extend forth into my dreams.

Might he want me also? I don't know. Is it wrong for me to want him? Undoubtedly. If I touched him, how might he react? If I asked him tenderly... tender isn't the style of my dreams, though. My dreams scare me and thrill me both at once, and that thought also scares me. If I were to touch him... if I were to hold him down, if I didn't give him a choice... oh, but he could only love me. I'm his brother, his treasured niisan, and he wouldn't argue.

I wouldn't let him.

And nobody else would know. Nobody else would realise, and I'd relish in that. The glances shared between us that only we would know... he'd walk past, and I'd watch, knowing him mine... perhaps as he walked past, I might reach out to stroke his hair, feel it pull so gently between my fingers... hold it to my nose, inhale its scent, sense that which is he, the soft smell of whatever he washes his hair with, a fainter trace that could only be described as _he, as Marron... hold it to my lips, kiss it. Perhaps he'd be uncomfortable, and perhaps I'd kiss him. Maybe not. Maybe I'd just allow him to walk from day to day life, knowing that that between us could __only be between us..._

Even so, he'd love me. Always, always, he'd love me. I don't think there's anything I could do that could make him hate me. I could murder someone, he wouldn't care, because it was me. I could steal a national treasure, I could unleash a deadly kinju... even if he yearned for me, and I were to sleep with the entire Spooner Continent, I'm sure he'd wait for me to return to him, even if only for the short time it'd take to claim him, then off with somebody else... and it'd break him, but he'd never be able to hate me.

I couldn't do that, though. If I were to have him, would I _want_ anybody else? If he were mine, if he were my own... if I'd made him mine, then nothing else... he's the most beautiful person, so why would I yearn for any other?

The most beautiful person... and such beauty would be mine. I'd be the one to break such beauty, to claim it, to make it my _own_. To break, claim and make my own... _him_... broken, claimed and _mine_. Marked by my fingers and by my teeth, marked by the words I'd tell him, claimed by marks physical and mental...

Does he realise his own beauty? I think not. Gateau routinely tells him that he's beautiful, and he pays little notice to that. If I were to call him beautiful, he'd blush, perhaps he'd stammer, how might he react?

If I were to push him against a wall, pin him there... against a wall, the floor, a bed, anywhere... I'd take him. Brutally if needs be. Hear him scream. _Make him scream. I'd revel in that scream, cause it again, take him again, take him many times... and I'd brand him to my own mark, I'd bite at his skin and leave harsh bruises... and he'd scream, and he'd cry, and he'd whimper, and he'd say "I love you" through his tears... and I'd smirk, and I'd kiss away his tears._

Because no matter what, Marron'll always love me.

Even if I scared him, he'd love me. That petrification could lend itself to his feelings... and uncertainty could stir up such emotions within him if I touched him while he felt like that...

I imagine himself with his robes on... with his robes slashed and cut... perhaps his skin the same, blood showing through... his robe would be easily disposed of, and he'd gaze with such wide eyes... but that wouldn't protect him. No means yes? He wouldn't dare say no.

Missions bring distractions and pretty girls divert my thoughts, but come the aftertime of the mission, come bedtime, come him standing in the same room as I, naked as he changes into different clothes for the night, I watch his body, seeming so pale under the moonlight, and I want it...

Dreams do not lend themselves to real life. How might my brother react should my dreams become a reality? The person he'd trust most would be the person who'd betrayed him most. Perhaps he'd weep for that. Maybe he'd tell somebody else, Gateau, Tira and Chocolat, Big Mama...

He sleeps. Sometimes I see him as he sleeps, I walk over, I stroke his cheek, he whispers my name as he sleeps. Does he dream of me? Perhaps. I hear that gentle whisper and I feel guilty; what kind of person am I to think such thoughts? I couldn't really do things like that to him, could I? ... No, I don't think I could. So why do my dreams focus so intently like that? Could I really be so callous?

I have a demon inside me, a devil, a lord of destruction who could destroy the world in an instant. Compared to that power, what is anything else? How can anything else possibly contend against that? If we meet the right person with the right power, said power would be unleashed and the world as we know it would be destroyed...

... that doesn't explain why I want to fuck my brother, though. Fuck him hard, make him cry. Make him hold himself against me so _tightly_... make him cry my name so nervously...

My brother is not weak, though. Should anybody act in a way he was uncomfortable with, should anybody touch him in a way he didn't want, no doubt he'd attack them before they could get anywhere.

Attack _them. In the past, he's been prepared to die, just so he wouldn't have to hurt me. Prepared to __die, to give up his life, just so that he wouldn't have to hurt me! What devotion! What an opportunity... if he'd go that far, if I said I needed a little... relief, wouldn't he not refuse?_

If I wanted him to lie down and play bitch for me, he could only agree, right? I'd feel his heartbeat against my own, feel his pulse throughout his body, hold him down, feel him stroke my cheek as he confessed his love so quietly... and he'd cry my name at climax, clutching my shoulders and speaking in such a panicked voice...

I'd love that. I love him. I want to see his face at climax, I want to feel him, I want to have him feel me. Perhaps not that particular dream, but I want some kind of reality, I want him beneath me and begging me to fuck him harder and faster and deeper... and he seems so innocent! Or pure, at least. But I'd destroy and break that and by the end he'd _enjoy_ telling me such things, no matter how embarrassing they might have seemed before... he'd want those things, and he'd ask me for them. And he'd still be so beautiful. Even while sucking me off, he'd be beautiful. He could be graceful and beautiful even while doing that, I'm sure. I imagine him so vividly...

He has that power. Anything and everything he does is beautiful. Sleeping is beautiful. Standing and looking at some scenery is beautiful. Eating an apple is beautiful. Brushing his hair is beautiful. Fighting, battles, walking, getting hurt, being healed, talking, smiling, crying, frowning, angry, happy, sad, every fucking thing about my brother is so fucking beautiful and oh GOD does it frustrate me.

I want his beauty, I want it for my own.

And in a misty chapel of our thoughts, he'd wait for me. Slowly walking along one end of a giant hall, then, on seeing me, he might run. And he'd embrace me, because he loves me. No matter what I might do to him, he loves me. And no matter what I do to him... I love him also. In so many different ways.

He might never understand how I feel... it doesn't change a thing, though.

The fact, the one true fact, cannot be denied...

I _want him._

~Fin~

*  
Author's Ranting

*

A quick fic there. Thought that listening to music and just writing what came to me from whatever song I listened to might help alleviate the writer's block a little, and I wrote this in two hours or so, so I'd say it worked. If it's not absolutely glaringly obvious, the song I listened to was Haunted by Evanescence.

It's a bit unpleasant, isn't it? I thought about attempting to justify Carrot's feelings around the middle, but when I listen to that song, I'm not thinking justification ;P. The only thing that scares me is, given a little tweaking, this fic could also potentially be, well, if you changed Marron into Carrot and fiddled with some of the lines to make them Sacher orientated instead of Carrot orientated, it'd still work, and that honestly honestly scares me ^_^;;

~10th Oct 2003~


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